As another year closes

My poor blog has been so neglected this year! But it's been a mad year! In fact I just looked to try and find my "end of year/new year" post from last year but there isn't one! How am I supposed to remember what I had planned for this year?? Well I think it's safe to say that whatever I had planned may not have happened but an awful lot of other stuff has!

2012 started with Tahu and I getting married on the 5th of January. It was a fantastic day, people still talk to us about how great it was! You can read all about it here and our vows here.

That first week of being married turned out to be pretty spectacular for us as 9 months later our darling son Knox was born. He is now 14 weeks old and fast asleep in our bed. He's full of smiles and laughs and is just the most amazing thing to ever happen to us. Cliche I know but so true. Every day, every hour even, we're always saying to each other "man our son is AMAZING!"

Tahu is halfway through his building apprenticeship now. He's working for a really great guy and actually enjoys going to work which is great! I am about to go back to work but only part time. I have been so fortunate to land a job that I enjoy, that pays well and that I could alter once I had Knox so that I only work 10 hours in the office and 10 hours at home. And my wonderful mum will look after Knox while I'm in the office. It has made a huge difference to our lives to have jobs that we enjoy!

Tahu's band is doing great things. He's currently at sound check for their new years gig at The Dux which is probably the best gig you could get in Christchurch. The Merchants of Flow have also just played at Rhythm and Alps and even featured on the TV One News. Keep an eye out for them in 2013. We have high hopes!

Last year wasn't all highs though. Two days before Knox was born I lost one of my best friends. She is missed every day. You can read about her here but there will be plenty more written to and about my amazing Meredith I'm sure. Two days after Knox was born we lost another friend Judah in a motor accident. It was a very hard week and sometimes it hurts me that the deaths of two fantastic young people are so closely linked to the birth of our boy but then other times I know that it means they will never be forgotten and their legacies can be continued through Knox and his story. I'll write more on that another time I think though.

So now looking forward, what does this coming year bring for me? Here's my hopes/resolutions:

1. Lose weight! I say it every year but this year I have plans for it and I am tired of feeling like this. Combined with this is that I want to start running again. Bring it on! First goal is running 5km without stopping, second goal is 10km.

2. Learn Te Reo - Knox is here now, no more excuses! We want him to be able to speak both languages and that starts with us learning it first!

3. Keep a journal - Tahu gave me a beautiful journal (that I picked in Melbourne) and I have missed writing so much and so I'm going to write in here more but also keep a journal again. It's good for me to be able to get out what I'm thinking but also to be able to look back and remember. And the first year as a mum is going to be a pretty important year to remember!

4. Pay off debt. Ideally all of it and save some money too but will see how we go.

5. Read more! I love reading, almost as much as I like buying books! (Sorry Tahu). This year I have either not been able to read cos was busy/sick or got stuck on a crap book (The Slap) and so couldn't move on! So this year, I shall read! Also good because I don't need two hands. I can do it while I'm breastfeeding!

I'm sure there's more I want to do but as Knox is awake now I shall have to think of them another time.

2012 was amazing. Yes it had a couple of painful moments but it was also a really great year for us. I am excited to see what next year brings!

We have smiles!

Why I Do What I Do

This saying pops into my head a lot these days. I'm a new parent and I think I'm doing ok but learning more all the time.

I get given a lot of advice and I always give what I'm told two tests. Firstly, is it logical? And secondly, does it feel ok? What's my natural instinct telling me about this. And so I pick and choose what I follow and then I feel like if I have to explain it, it comes under the title: Why I Do What I Do.

And so I'll try and write posts so I can remember and learn and I'll tag them with that title so it's easy to find them. I've written my first one which is about breastfeeding in public. I'm sure there will be more!

Inspiration right when I needed it

I am incredibly lucky to be able to breast feed Knox. It was painful at first but so easy right from the first moments. He's a natural! Because of this I feed him whenever he needs it or if its been a couple of hours no matter where we are. My theory is that it's better to be breastfeeding in public then to have a crying baby! But I feel weird about it. I'm nervous of what people think and say. I worry! But if he needs food then he needs it! So I've fed him standing in a very long queue at the post office or on the chair for old people in the chemist and all sorts of unusual places. And I'm super subtle about it because I want you seeing my nipple even less then you want to see it! But I just feel weird.

So yesterday I was browsing Instagram and found this picture of a singer that I really admire (love!!) breastfeeding her wee girl in a restaurant in Paris. And I felt great. Like it's not just full on breastfeeding nazis that feed in unusual places. I'm ok. I don't have to worry so much. What a relief!

How strange though that a celebrity breastfeeding in a restaurant has done more for me then any other person feeding their baby in public!

Oh I'm also that person giving her baby a bottle as she walks around ikea!

But I think this is ok. I think it's great actually that Knox will feed and sleep anywhere anytime. As long as he has me we can go out anywhere. In fact I'm writing this post in Melbourne. At the tender age of 9 weeks he has already travelled to another country and he was an absolute star on the trip! Just grizzly from when we landed but he got over that easily.

So I will remind myself of Pink and this picture next time I feel weird. And I'll be ok!

For Meredith

This year I have got to know a number of the girls from work, some have become my best friends. One of these girls that I had the absolute pleasure of sitting next to was Meredith. We talked and emailed all day (yes I know we sat next to each other but some things shouldn't be said out loud!), had our breaks together, got in trouble together, took on unreasonable old men together! Ok there was only the one old man but he was VERY unreasonable. I made no secret of the fact I was stoked to have a friend called Meredith Gra (hem-Bagrie). Those who are also fans of Greys Anatomy will understand this!

Meredith was beautiful, both inside and out. It's a cliche but it's so true. She was funny, honest and beautiful. She was talented, imaginative, intelligent. We had funny conversations, serious conversations, sad conversations, instagram conversations! We helped each other when we had bad times, celebrated together when good things happened. Meredith was someone everyone should have in their life. 

In January when Tahu and I found out we were pregnant we were so excited. After Tahu, Meredith was the next person I told. I wanted to tell my family and best mate but somehow I wanted to tell Meredith too. Over the next few months as my belly grew so did our friendship. When I came to work after finding out what kind of baby we were having Meredith was there, hovering at the doors, singing "what's your flava, tell me what's your flava". 

At the end of August Meredith and two of our friends organised my baby shower. It was so much fun! The girls did so well. Amazing games, food, PRESENTS! It was so special to me to have these women celebrating my little boy! 

This is a collage of photos Meredith took of the day:

I was allowed to go to one of the planning nights for the baby shower and it was then that the 3 girls got to feel Knox moving in my belly. They were so stoked and I was too. 

My belly and the girls hands:

Meredith was always Merebear (said Mare Bear) to me and she always called me JoJo. She had such an excited way of saying my name! I can still hear it. I convinced her to buy a kindle, she convinced me to try Shellac nails. 

On Monday the 24th of September when I found out that we were to be induced that afternoon I texted some family and close friends to let them know I was going back into hospital and that Knox would be arriving that week. When I text an iphone the message shows blue unless it can't be delivered, in which case it goes green. My text to Meredith went green and I thought that was weird but put it down to a flat battery. I drove past her work and considered stopping to tell her but was a bit anxious so thought I'd just talk to her later. 

It was that night, sitting in hospital with contractions starting, that we found out Meredith had left us the day before. It felt like my heart broke and like nothing was worth it any more. Needless to say labour stopped immediately. I can't put into words the pain I felt. I loved her so much, I couldn't get my head around it, it even crossed my mind that it was a joke. How could it be possible that I would never see her again? How is it possible she felt that way and I didn't know? So many emotions, questions, thoughts. All I could think to say was "no" and "Meredith" and "I loved her" over and over again. 

I cried all night. They gave me a sleeping pill but it didn't do much. By the morning I knew I couldn't get through the day, I couldn't deliver Knox feeling like this. I thought about where she would be, what she'd be doing. That day I kept the picture in my head of Meredith sitting with her dad, having a few cocktails, watching me in labour and cheering me on. I don't know where that image came from but it got me through. It still makes me cry thinking of it though. 

Knox had a difficult delivery, they took him to the other side of the room to work on him and then give him oxygen. For half an hour I couldn't see him or touch him and all I could think about was Meredith. I had been trying to think of a way to honor her and I realised the best thing I could do was tell her first that Knox had arrived, just like she was the first to know that I was pregnant. Tahu came to sit with me and I managed to get myself together enough to ask him if I could text Meredith before we told anyone else. 

I didn't go to her funeral. Knox was 3 days old, we hadn't even been home a day and that morning we found out another friend had been killed in an accident. We spent the afternoon at home talking and crying and just being with Knox. One day soon I'm going to drive down to where she is, with her dad, and I'll introduce her to Knox and talk to her and say goodbye then. I wasn't ready to say goodbye then, I'm not ready now, but one day soon I hope I'll feel able to. 

It's been almost 6 weeks since she left. Sometimes I can think about her now without crying. It comforts me that she knew I loved her. This week I've realised how truly lucky I am to have known her. I got to spend every day of the week with her for months. I got to know her and I'm so honored that we were friends. She was amazing and she was my friend. 

I miss you so much Merebear. I really wish you were still here. I hope you're still checking instagram and seeing the pics of Knox, and checking your emails cos I'm still emailing you. I love you and I look forward to hanging out again one day xx

Baby Bill of Rights

 

Talk to me

 

Sing, hum, babble or even read the funnies to me! I don’t know exactly what you’re saying, but I need to hear you. And I do know what you mean, even if I may not know words. Like your voice tones mean “I love you’. Or when you yell, I hear “you’re a pest!” Unless you communicate with me how can learn? I learn from you.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hold me

Everything is so big and new to me I don’t understand where I am. Or who I am. And I get scared. But when you hold me I feel better. Your warmth warms me. Your breath and heartbeat make me feel I belong. Belong here. Belong to you.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer my cry
 

I don’t cry to get you upset. Or to get you mad. I cry because I can’t tell you how I feel any other way. Maybe I’m cold…or wet…or hungry…or scared and lonely. Answer my cries. You’ll soon know what each one means. You wont spoil me. You’ll help me to be a better baby…and to make you happier, too.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love me
 

Like me. Love me just as I am. Don’t expect me to do what I can’t do. Like being toilet-trained. My muscles aren’t ready yet. I know I’m messy. But I’m growing. Overlook my baby weakness. You’re the most important person in my world. I can’t make it without you. So get to know me. Have fun with me. And love me…just as I am.

Our son has arrived!

Knox Kautu ki te Rangi arrived at 3.19pm on Tuesday 25th September 2012. He weighed in at 6 lb 13 oz and 50 cm long. 

Knox is just the most amazing little guy. He's a whole month old today and we just don't know where that last month has gone! He got back to his birth weight this week - it took him a while but he got there in the end!

His names each have very special meanings:

Knox - my mums maiden name

Kautu ki te Rangi - this is the name of the paddle from Tahu's waka that came from Rarotonga. It also means "a gift from above". 

Hikuroa - Tahus mums last name. We have taken this name too. 

I could write for hours on how amazing he is, on how much we love him, but I won't cos I think you can imagine it! Instead I think how I felt when he was born explains it the best. I had heard a lot about the overwhelming feeling of love that a lot of people get but I didn't have that. For me it was like I realised the love that had always been there. All I could think was "Oh he's here". And it was like the complete and total love I felt wasn't new, it wasn't something I had to learn, it was something that had just always been there. It was like him being born turned the light on and I could see what I had known (felt) was always there. 

And despite what I had been told by numerous people, my loving Knox doesn't make me love Tahu or Roko any less. It's a different love. I love them all so much and one doesn't take from the other. 

Ok enough with the soppy stuff. For now. There's be more I'm sure!