Friday, August 15, 2008

How much is too much?

So I'm single, and have been for a while now. I've been on dates, I've even "been seeing" people in that time but no official boyfriend. And I quite like this single thing eh. Not having to run things past anyone, being able to spend my money as I want and all that stuff. And of course sometimes I miss the companionship but not enough for me to settle for less than what I want.

And I'm a girl so of course I've made lists (in my head...I haven't gone so far as to write it down) of what I want in a guy. Of what I consider boyfriend material.

(I'm feeling very carrie from sex and the city as I write this)

But these last few weeks I've been thinking the maybe I should narrow that list down cos it's getting less and less likely that that man actually exists.

My list has things like, enjoys outdoorsy stuff (so he can challenge me), taller than me, older than me (clearly that one I don't stick too so much), not a fighter, educated, bigger than me (I can't be the fat one in the relationship), someone I'm attracted too, doesn't cheat or lie, has a job, is kinda old fashioned.

Ok things I can live without:

Educated - I guess it's not necessary. I thought it showed things like commitment, that he's a thinker, all that stuff. Maybe that's not so important.

Age - well I've met nice older guys and nice younger guys so that's not a deal breaker. In fact younger ones are a bit more fun.

Taller - if you've met me you'll know I'm short so unless I start dating midgets this one isn't gonna be a problem

Outdoorsy - I've survived so far with never going on a tramp. I'll survive a few more years without it!

Not a fighter - this one's pretty important. I've been out with a fighter and it's such a waste of time. There's nothing less attractive then being with someone who finds it fun to pick fights with other guys to make himself look tough. Who thinks it's cool to go "what you looking at" to the guy who just looked at me as he walked past. I'd go out with a wife beater before I went out with someone like that again. Ok so that one has to stay on the list.

Has a job - important. That's got to be on the list. I'm not gonna support him financially.

Old fashioned - that one's hard to explain so I'll leave that one.

Bigger than me - like I said, I can't be the fat one so that's got to stay!

Someone I'm attracted to - this has to be there. I'm sorry. And it's not superficial because it's someone I'm attracted to not someone everyone else is attracted to.

And I guess this one is what made me start on this post (and if you're still reading...well done!): someone who doesn't cheat and lie. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to find a guy who doesn't cheat. It's like it's part of relationships these days. According to TV and movies it's ok. And I won't for a second claim to be the innocent victim here. I've cheated. I did it in one relationship and I'd never do it again. It wasn't worth the effort! And maybe it's taught me that it's easy to do and you don't do it unless you want to. There's never an excuse. You either want to or you don't.

(And don't ever blame the other person! I don't get how girls get all angry at "the other woman". Do you really think she/he forced him/her to do it? They chose to do it)

I was watching a tv show and a girl had cheated on her boyfriend and this other girl goes "she couldn't get what she wanted so she went somewhere else, what's the big deal?" Is that what we have got to?

Maybe I've lost my point. It's late and been a pretty full on week. The question is: Is it possible to find a guy who fits your requirements? Is there a guy out there who is EVERYTHING I want or do I need to reduce my expectations?

And if there is a guy out there...could he maybe look like heath ledger? or brad pitt? of colin farrell? or...I'll even settle for a brett gardner?? (if you know who the last guy is you'll understand!!)


Andrew and Alice Brown said...

Hi Jo, here are my thoughts. You will certainly miss the right man for you if you carry this mental list around with you. I think its much more of a heart matter than that. Just find someone that makes you happy.

Jo said...

Hi Alice, just out of interest, which things on my list do you think are going to hold me back?

Andrew and Alice Brown said...

I dont think anything on your list is inherently bad, in fact they all seem like decent qualities to me. (Although I do think you would be hard pressed to find a guy that has never cheated or lied, you have, I have, Andrew has, we are all young for a while :))
It is the having a list that I think will hold you back. For me, I would rather marry a man that loves me completely for who I am and makes me feel like noone else can, than a man that lines up with a set of ideals.
I used to have a list too, and I certainly wouldnt have married Andrew if I had stuck to my list. But I am infinitely grateful that I did. As I said, I think it is a heart matter rather than a head one, of course one should use good judgement, but at the end of the day I don't think that it is as prescriptive as we would dream it to be.

Andrew and Alice Brown said...

yeah but the thing is that we all know that as soon as you meet that new person, you're in love. there's no thinking or considering, just blissful thoughts. cynical, but true

I really hope that regardless, that you meet the right guy, and he treats you and makes you feel like you deserve :)

Nas said...

I don't know if I agree with the previous comments, I think you deserve the best (well I know you do)- so why settle for anything less.
Yes there is a guy out there who doesn't cheat and lie, who is smart, funny, considerate, and attractive to you, in fact there is more than one guy like that, there is more than one guy who you would want to spend the rest of your life with - so don't settle for less (unless you still haven't found him in your 50's, then you may as well narrow the list cos the clocks ticking!)
But seriously I think it depends on your priorities more than anything... are you willing to wait for this guy, however long that may take, or do you just want someone now?
And that doesn't mean to say you can't have some fun while you're waiting ;)