Friday, August 13, 2010

Confidence

At the beginning of the year Tahu and I and our friend Nat and her wee girl moved house. We now live in this amazing house that we love. It's big and warm and clean and we have so much space. Part of what I love is that we have a spare room so people can come stay when they want. We had my friend Jamie stay for a few days when she was moving back to the Gold Coast (where I had met her a few years back) and I made a commitment to have my niece and nephews over for the night. So far we've had James and Reuben stay and tonight it's Chrissys turn. Each time we do something special for tea (whether it's something I cook or we get takeout) and we go do something I know they'll enjoy. James and I went to the movies, Reuben just wanted to play xbox and then do some baking the next day. Tonight Chrissy and I are going to the movies to see a 3d movie and then tomorrow I'm planning more baking although still waiting to hear if she's keen on that.

So it all sounds fun and it always works so well and I hope they know we love them to bits by doing this. But there's a catch....I'm so nervous every time that they won't have fun! That they'll go home and only remember it being boring or something. What if baking and movies is a bit young for Chrissy? What if James would rather hang out with his friends then his Aunty? I just don't know.

And recently James has told me a couple of times that I'm one of the best aunties in the world (he only has 3 so I'm at least top 3 surely!). And I was so stoked cos I didn't expect that from Mr 14 and it meant heaps to me but then I realised...what if he's just joking? What if he's just making fun of me? Just pulling my leg? I'm not thinking that cos I think that little of him, just because he's 14 and it's a long time since I've been that age but I can remember what the boys are like! And I hate myself for thinking this because if he really means what he's saying then he is going to be such an amazing man one day that I will be even more proud then I am now that he's my nephew.

It's about me and my lack of confidence in what people think of me. I remember very clearly one day at intermediate when the "cool" girls called me over and made everyone else go away and I was so excited cos I thought they wanted to be friends with me but instead they told me they were sick of hearing about my family and that I talked about them too much and please could I stop. Bare in mind I'm 12 and I've got a new niece and nephew who I'm so stoked with and not a lot else going on so of course I talk about them. I remember the feeling that it wasn't that they liked me at all and I had been completely wrong. And I don't know if that was the beginning of it or if that is just a major one I remember but now I just don't trust that people like me and it amazes me when people like me when they meet me without me having to prove myself to them. And usually I've kept this away from my familiy cos they're family so they love me but now these kids are become adults and can think for themselves and now I start wondering.

And yes I know I've overthought this but that's what I do.

2 comments:

fiona jane said...

sod them - YOU ARE FABULOUS.... enough said xxxxx

One Girl said...

i had so much fun the other night! great food, great movie, great family, am so glad that i came to stay the night :-) BTW can you please email me the cookie recipe?? :-) cheers!!

xoxoxox

love Chrissy