Thursday, March 21, 2013

One Last Conversation

It’s almost 6 months now Mere. I wish it wasn’t. It just seems so long. How can it be that long already? I haven’t been to visit you yet. I will bring Knox down soon though. 

So many times I’ve found myself saying “if I could only have one more conversation with her”. And I know I can’t but I do want you to know what I would say. So please pretend that we are sitting together, having a drink, one last time, while you read this wherever you are. 

I want to start this by saying I love you. I know you know this. I know there’s no doubt about how great I think you are but I want you to hear it still. I love you, you’re amazing, I’m so incredibly proud to call you my friend and even more so, that you call me one of yours. 

You are beautiful, talented, funny as hell, just great. There's a depth about you that I love. You are young and have so much ahead of you. In the next few days, weeks, months and years there are so many cool things coming your way. This sadness you feel is honestly only temporary. This pain you can’t explain to any of us: it won’t last. Right now the future seems black, or worse...blank. But it’s actually not. There’s colours in your future that you can’t even imagine! I know now that you don’t realise this, or maybe you do but it just doesn’t seem worth the effort. 

And how do I know all this? Well when I was your age I felt like you do. (I’m sure I told you all this) (there, but for the grace of God, go I) In hindsight I realise that I wanted out of where I was, but death wasn’t my goal. And every day I am thankful that I got through it. I look back on the years since then (feeling old saying that) and so much has happened. So much good stuff! And bad too of course. But more importantly, where I was right then is so different to where I am now! I have a completely different life. The things I loved then are still around but all those things that hurt me, they’re gone. My job is different, my home, my car, even how I look (earthquakes made me fat). If I could have seen then where I am now, well that night would have gone so differently.

Mere you need to talk to someone. There's so many of us that will drop everything for you. You don't have to feel this way. And there are other options. This too shall pass, let us help you through it. 

Sorry, getting too deep here what else would I say to you?

Thank you for helping organise my baby shower. It was a really special afternoon and I won't forget it. You did great, I loved the picture of sperm you drew on the blackboard! So you. Man I hope that got cleaned off before we left! 

And thank you for all the breaks and lunches we had, even if they probably were a bit long! Thanks for listening to me moaning about being pregnant. I hope I didn't put you off too much! Thanks for not telling me how terrible I looked every day. And for when I had that stupid girlie cry at work, thanks for being kind and putting the boys in their place! 

I keep seeing make up sales or products on those one day websites and thinking you'd love them. I hear songs that make me think of you and then I feel worse because I realise you haven't heard these songs even. MAC is even on sale at the moment! You'd be shopping up a storm.

Mere there is so much more we would talk about. Things that are so irrelevant, funny, serious, tangents we can't even imagine! I want to tell you all about the little boy that I have now. The one that you and I talked about so much. You would adore him. And he'd crack up smiling whenever he saw you I'm sure. 

I was going through some clothes for him the other day and found things you and I had got one lunch hour. It was the first things I bought for him and of course you were there with me. It all seemed so tiny then! Would you believe it took almost 5 months for him to be able to fit them cos they were too big? Clearly you and I had no concept of baby size!

I guess there's one thing that I grieve so much when I think of what we would talk about: that there would be such a mix of topics and emotions! We would laugh and I would most definitely cry. But I know I would make sure, as we parted ways, that you knew how much I loved you, how great I think you are and how much you will be missed.


Gill Graham said...

Thank you Jo for giving me this opportunity to hear and share with you just how special our dear friend, sister, daughter and everything Mere is. So many tears xxx

Anonymous said...

You have such a big heart Jo! You are loving, loyal, sensitive, compassionate. You must be the best friend anyone could have!!

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