Friday, June 03, 2005

5 Love Languages

Last night Kate asked me to write about this. Some of you will already know all this so I hope I get it right!

There is this marriage counsellor dude in the States who was getting lots of couples coming into his office with the same reasons for wanting to seperate. She would be like "when he comes home all he wants to do is fix the car and do the gardening and I just want him to come and talk to me" and he's like "she's always buying me stuff that I don't want or need and I just want her to sit down and watch tv with me". So he studied their reasons and what was going on for them and came up with the 5 Love Languages theory.

This theory says that there are 5 ways that people give and recieve "love". The way you give is usually different to the way you recieve. You can be one major one or a bit of a few. It can change for you as well. You probably won't always be the same "love language".

1. Acts of Service - This is things like mowing the lawns, doing the dishes, making cups of tea. This love language is where you do stuff for the person to show you love them.

2. Physical Touch - This is fairly obvious but also not really. It's not necessarily sex (cos this theory is for everyone not just couples). It's things like hugs and holding hands and stuff like that.

3. Gifts - This one is a hard one for people who have it cos it's easily misread. The gifts aren't about how much they cost. They are about seeing something and buying for the person it reminds them of. It's things like Random Present Day.

4. Quality Time - This is spending time together. It's that friend who gets annoyed cos you don't spend time with them. It's about hanging out and not necessarily doing anything exciting, just spending time together. Watching TV, having a coffee etc.

5. Words - This is where you say how you feel. Actually saying "I love you". Not an easy one to do unless you actually have this language.

This theory helped because it meant when you think someone doesn't really care or love you you can look at what they're doing and see they actually do they just show it differently.


Andrew said...

I like this.

SubversNZ said...

I like it too.

I have found it useful in understanding Anne, as well as others.

My primary love language is words of affirmation, secondary is touch. Her primary is touch, and secondary is words of affirmation. So, we make a pretty good combination.

It's wierd. My parents (divorced) are quite different, but I think I got the full spectrum from both of them combined, which is neat.

Jo said...

I think my primary is touch to give it and recieve it. My secondary to give is words but that's definately not to recieve.

It's interesting that I can say words but find it nearly impossible to believe people when they say it to me.

Also should point out that the guy (Gary Chapman) that created the theory is Christian but it is not a christian theory. He's adapted it to parenting and being single as well.

andrew brown said...

I like to be touched, but not so much as a form of love, but just because I love the sensation. And I'm good at speaking words and giving time. I guess different people need different amounts of love to be content as well. I can go longer without it than other people and still be happy.

As long as we don't put ourselves in a box though! I do give gifts occasionally, and when I do it's quite possibly more special than if I gave them often. (not sure which of those my wife would prefer though ;) )

Sharyn said...

It's so cool you blogged about this, because it is so blimen fantastic when you know about it. It explains everything! My relationships with EVERYONE changed and improved so much when I figured this out (actually when I read the book).

Sharyn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nas said...

You got it exactly right Jo, you've obviously been observing the way I treat you! lol, Seriously, those are the wisest words of all

andrew brown said...

oh I want to know what the deleted comment was. I'm so excited by the prospect

Sharyn said...

Oh it was a double up of my one, sorry to be so boring.