Monday, August 17, 2009

Defeated

That's The Feeling of the Day.

Will I ever be as good as everyone else?

I have been reading blogs a lot recently. Everyone has beautiful photos and interesting things to write. Why do the photos I take never look that good? The colours are never as bright, the positioning never as good. I have tried putting up pictures and whatever but I just feel like I'm boring. Like it looks like I'm trying.

And will I ever stop relying on my parents? I'm 25. It seems like everyone else can live sufficiently on their own but for some reason I am always going to my parents for support, like advice or comfort or whatever. And they always give it to me and I will never be able to repay them for what they do for me. But surely my living independantly would be a small repayment wouldn't it?

And work is just getting me down. I wrote up this email recently and sent it to my managers about why they should promote me/change my role and I've had nothing back. I really thought they'd at least say well done we will consider it. Instead all I got was sorry that's someone else's decision.

I feel defeated. I can't even write about all the things that make me feel defeated. One of my very dearest friends cooked me dinner on Friday night and she said how when she first saw me at work she thought how "cool" I was with my piercing and how I dressed. It made me laugh because I just don't know how she thought that!

I go to Cambodia in just over 3 weeks and I feel like I'm not even doing that right. I don't have as much money as I had planned. I'm teaching IT which it feels like everyone laughs at. I've not lost any of the weight I need to lose.

Ugh!

Jo Brown: Epic Fail.

2 comments:

Sharyn said...

I know how you feel! That's what inspired my normalicy fail blog a while back. But since then I've realised a bit that actually, it just looks like everyone is all self sufficient, and actually nobody is.

I think it's so awesome that you are teaching IT, I totally want to do that when I go over there! From my studies, I can tell you that what you are doing is probably, no easily, the most useful thing that you could be doing. Lots of people go to developing countries and do like building and stuff, but actually it's usually just taking work away from other people who could do it and get more skills. Teaching people skills, empowering people to do things themselves, that is development at it's best, so I'm very proud that you are doing it!

I totally understand how you are feeling, because I struggle too, but I think it's really important to make a real deliberate effort to think of some things that are really awesome about yourself, like that you do cross-stitch (geeky, yet cool), like how you are going to volunteer in a foreign country, like how you are doing the best tour of asia ever, like how you are generous and tender-hearted, like how you have really cool friends, like how you love and cherish your family, like how much you have overcome.

We often think, in Western culture, that self sufficiency is the ultimate test of success, but actually, it's much more precious when we 'bear one another's burdens'. Life is about love, and love is taking care of others and letting them take care of us. Yep, I could make my own dinner and you could make your own dinner, but it's way nicer when I make you dinner and you make me dinner...you know?

Jo said...

I guess you're right on the IT thing. When I first talked to Annie and said I wanted to go with her I said I'd do whatever was needed even if it was just dishes and cleaning and teaching these classes is what she said was needed. I hope that I can see it's of use when I'm there.

I wonder if this is me being a perfectionist. I made a cross stitch for Nat that had Madi's birth details on it and her and heather kept saying how much they liked it but all I could see was the things I'd done wrong. In the end I had to tell myself to stop pointing them out!

I am more then happy to bear others burdens, just that it feels like that's all others do for me!